U.S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B.S. Into Fuel

While America is experiencing a gasoline shortage, the nation's dependence on foreign oil is about to end.

A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondered if it might be turned into fuel.

The hypothesis proved so promising that his work produced a marvelous result in as short a time as it took to record some B. S. from a wonderfully fertile colleague and wire it to a refinery. He calls the new potion Bio-Super.

"It's the most concentrated fuel in history," he tells us, "with an octane rating of 99.9. I figure we've got enough of a supply to meet our total energy needs for the foreseeable future. All we have to do is keep B. S.-ing the way we do, and we'll have all the Bio-Super we and our children need."

The product is ready for mass production. The technique calls for the collection of B. S. from all over the country by having the most irrepressible exponents of it talk into microphones. The B. S. is then broadcast to the closest refinery.

Bio-Super also has an advantage over other fuels in terms of pollution, because the process actually takes a lot of it out of the air.

Since the B. S. is so highly concentrated to begin with, the production of Bio-Super is quite a lot more efficient than the manufacture of biofuel from corn or woodchips. Just a hundred words of good old American B. S., particularly from people who like to hang out at bars after work and talk their heads off, can produce enough to fill up the gasoline tank on a Hummer.

The only negative aspect is the product's exceptional volatility. Once you pump it into your tank, you have to slam the gas cap shut instantly or it will all evaporate. Motorists are also advised only to remove the cap when the gauge is nearly on empty and to stand aside; otherwise, there is the risk of being knocked out with a force that scientists have calculated is equivalent to six airbags.